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The 4 white boys you'll find on Tinder



George Washington University


- satire

The 4 white boys you'll find on Tinder

Avoid these douchebags this Valentine's Day


Age 21
less than 1 mile away

Nick is a classic fuckboy who gives you all the information you need to know from the offset. He has a dog, which he knows is the only reason you swiped right, and has used his endless store of creative intellect to quote “The Office,” but only that one Michael Scott/Wayne Gretzky bit which everyone finds oh so clever. He goes to GW, taking the time to write the initials in his bio despite the fact his profile automatically notes where he goes to school, and he’s graduating a year before you are. Most importantly, if the mirror selfie of his abs didn’t tell you, he’s here for a good time, not a long time.

Age 24
12 miles away

Chris is from some weird part of Virginia where there’s nothing but fields and pickup trucks. All he’s looking for is a gym buddy, and he could probably bench press you, too! So strong! So fit! He makes sure all his pictures show off his bad anchor and skull tattoos and he probably has a pitbull or Burmese python or some other kind of terrifying pet. There is at least one picture of him with a gun, a beer, or both. It’s very hard to tell if Chris is a white supremacist or just the recipient of bad haircut.

Age 22
less than 1 mile away

This is the classic case of faux-feminist, holier-than-though hipster trash. At first glance, Simon doesn’t seem like he’s so bad. Nice haircut, glasses, maybe a funky sweater or retro sneakers. But then, things get…weird. All his profile pictures have gorgeous girls in them. He doesn’t use capitalization at all. He’s just looking for someone to go to a show with him and, oh, by the way, have you heard of this band? He includes his political views, some stupid pun, and the maple leaf emoji for good measure.

Age 25
25 miles away

Dave is blond, tan, and, judging by his shirtless pic, pretty damn fit. He speaks 78 languages fluently and has been to 6,521 countries in the past 7 weeks. He’s only in town for a couple days; looking for someone cool to hang with or show him around! He completes his profile with the Generic List of Interests ™: hiking, traveling, working out, movies, music, and having fun! Dave seems like he’s a scammy Tinder bot, but it’s worse – he’s a real dude.