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Heartbreaking: This man's roommate died last week

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Tulane University

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- satire

Heartbreaking: This man's roommate died last week

When life hands you a dead roommate...

Versace McClendon

11.17.17

So last week my roommate unexpectedly died from mysterious causes. Rather than giving me ample time to grieve and/or sell off all of his possessions, Housing informed me that I’ll be getting a new roommate in the coming week. It’s unfortunate because things were going so well between us. However, I’m not here to dwell on the past. No, I’m using this as an opportunity to share my insider tips on how I became thick as thieves with my old roomie. And hopefully these tricks will work on the new guy and for all you readers out there.

Now you’ve most likely already met your roommate and thus already made mistake number one. When y’all first greeted each other, you probably shook their hand. No No No, freshman move. Rather than being a boring old tuber, skip the handshake and slap their butt. It’ll show you’re cool and hip with it.

And because I’m really smart, I know you already made mistake number two. You dumbos didn’t exchange y’all’s masturbation schedule including those precise details of when/where/how you cum. Trust me, it’s best to get masturbation etiquette out of the way early. It’ll avoid those awkward encounters when you come back home to a locked door and you’re not sure if your roommate is secretly training an army of spiders to seize the means of human production, thereby ushering in an age of unprecedented peace and arachnoid communism or just releasing some tension. Thanks to the masturbation schedule, you’ll never have to worry again.

Now if that isn’t enough to win over your new roomie, you will definitely want to try out these other tricks of the trade. Make sure to eat their leftovers from the microfridge to let them know that y’all have similar tastes in food. And don’t forget to show off your quirky side by taking photos of them sleeping. Double points if you decorate your closet with the photos and hold special candle-lit vigils in honor of y’all’s friendship. Speaking of friendship, don’t be afraid to lend a hand: let them know that if they ever need help masturbating, you’re there for them. Maybe slap their butt again after that to let them know you meant it in a strictly platonic sense.

And remember, it is your duty as a roommate to ensure that your significant dweller grows up into a healthy, well-rounded adult. Here’s how you do that. It’s important to taste all of their beverages just to make sure that they aren’t poisoned. You do not want a dead roommate on your hands, trust me.

Bark at them--they probably miss their little wuffer back home. Better yet, go all Wilfred on their ass and pee on the carpet--maybe even hump random ass shit of theirs while staring intensely into their eyes.

But most importantly, be yourself. And by be yourself I mean roleplay as a writhing worm stranded on a sidewalk for at least 30 minutes of every hour that you spend in their presence (I’m not sure why this would help, but hey it can’t hurt)! And don’t shy away from giving them a cute little pet name like “my sweet succulent soulmate” and then twirling around thrice every time you say it while wearing a midnight-blue velvet cape with a silly pointed wizard’s hood--that’ll really cement the bond!

And lastly, if they tell you they want to move out, block the door, shove that towel--which you soaked in a deadly dose of chloroform and been keeping in your back pocket--over their mouth, sit them down at a table, tape their eyes open, lay out at table cloth, boil some tea, and enjoy a relaxing tea-time conversation with their wide-eyed enthusiasm and limp body!

That's all there is to it. Trust me fellas, you do not want to be that person who can’t be friends with their roomie. Case in point: do whatever, and I mean WHATEVER it takes to keep them around. So take these tips and you can go ahead and thank me for providing you with the person you will incessantly tag in memes for the rest of your life.