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Intern frantically searches for sexual misconduct climate survey results



Tulane University


- satire

Intern frantically searches for sexual misconduct climate survey results

“I swear they were on my counter the night before!”

Kiera Torpie


The Tulane administration recently broke its promise to release the Sexual Misconduct Climate Survey results at Shifting the Paradigm. After a week of student confusion and outrage, the Tulane Community received an email explaining that the administration had set an “unattainable goal” regarding how long it would take to accurately analyze the data, extending the deadline to January 31st.

Likely story, needlessly bureaucratic administration.

The Rival has since received a tip from Gibson’s fall intern, admitting that it was her job to bring the results to Shifting the Paradigm. However, when she checked her bag, they were gone. “I swear they were on my counter the night before!”

The intern gave us access to her apology letter.

Dear Mr. Fitts,

Sir, I write you to express my most sincere apologies. I realize it was my responsibility to bring the sexual misconduct climate survey results to Shifting the Paradigm on Tuesday, September 19th. However, I seem to have lost them. I know what you’re going to say, so I’ll save your breath. I did check all of my pockets. I even tried retracing my steps, but I ran out of bruff swipes and they wouldn’t let me back in to look for it. It was a blatant oversight on my end, and extremely out of character. I take my work very seriously and recognize the severe impact this blunder might have on your reputation as well as the Tulane community on a whole. This is why I am going to keep looking for them. In the meantime, I am prepared to undergo whatever consequence my behavior might render, not without hope that it won’t impact my standing as an intern this semester.

Thank you,

Anonymous Intern

I might add that this document is not one you should be looking forward to reading. In fact, I cannot emphasize enough how unhappy you will be once I find this thing. While the responses were both mixed and largely horrific for all of the questions, the last one--about whether or not your name should be formally changed to Mike Ditts?-- came back unanimously with “Strongly Agree.” I just thought maybe you should know that.

More shocking than this intern’s mindless behavior, however, is our President’s response.

Hey girl,

WOW. I’m shocked. You really lost that extremely important document that might “paradigm shift” the reputation of Tulane as a benevolent party school to one riddled with a truly deplorable and dangerous sexual misconduct climate, thereby negatively impacting our ability to bring in new students a.k.a FUNDZ? I’m devastated ;) ;)

But hey, on the real, don’t sweat it. Sounds like it’s a real drag, anyway. Though, we do have to release this bad boy at some point--keep the donors off my back. How about you try to find them by January 31st? The incoming freshmen application deadline is January 15th so that should work perfectly. I’ll get someone else that definitely isn’t me on that email rn.

So weird how shit goes missing like that, huh? I do it all the time! Divest people are all like where’s your investment records and I’m like yoooo hop off my dick man I’ll get to it, ok? Tulane kids have no chill--LOL--Cya tomorrow.

Pce, luv, crawdads,


So what should we take from this hopeless display of bureaucratic incompetency? Perhaps fear that Fitts might lose the key to the home safe he’s been keeping our tuition dollars tucked away in, or hope that come January 31st this intern’s dog hasn’t eaten her homework. Regardless, the Tulane community can rest assured that The Rival will be the first to report.

In a hardly shocking turn of events, the intern reports that she has been promoted in the weeks following the incident. Her new job title? Chief of Shade.