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A freshman’s guide to getting laid at Tulane, as told by your typical frat bro

greek life


Tulane University


- satire

A freshman’s guide to getting laid at Tulane, as told by your typical frat bro

Listen up or you might get cucked

Sari Axelrod


So, you’re a freshman. College is scary. But you know what’s scarier?


So ditch your tube sock and buckle your seatbelt, because you’re about to learn why they call this place the Big Easy. Follow my simple rules and you’ll be swimming in it, trust me.

As the new kid on the block, there is one thing you’ll need to learn immediately: Senior boys have the advantage. You’ve probably heard the old adage: new is always better. Barney Stinson, of the beloved How I Met Your Mother, said it best, “you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked.” There is not a thing that senior boys love more than (say it with me) FRESHMAN GIRLS. Those bitches are fresh meat. And you are too, but not in a hot way. You may still even have baby teeth. This doesn’t mean you don’t have skin in the game…just know your place, bro.

So let’s face it, dude. You’re ugly as hell. There’s only one way fix it: liquor her up until she forgets about your Ashkenazi nose. If she isn’t at least 5 drinks deep, you don’t stand a chance. Buy her a shot, grab her waist and be sure to provocatively rub your crotch over her jean shorts (chicks love that).

Once you’ve sealed the deal, there are a few things to know. Beware of shackers. Ah, shackers. The type of person you NEVER want to be, and the type of girl you always try to avoid. By definition, a “shacker” is someone who spends the night after a one-night stand, only to make the inevitable and notorious walk of shame the following morning. When you let a girl sleep over (and god forbid join her in a post-coital cuddle session), you are showing her that you care. My friend, you most certainly do not.

I’m not saying that all girls are good for is a quick, emotionless bang…but I’m also not not saying that either. Sure, if you see the blonde from Sharp 3 in Bruff the next day, by all means give her a quick nod. Anything more than that indicates that you could possibly be interested in something other than invading her crevices.

Heed my advice young grasshopper, and you may actually get some use of those condom dispensers in the hallway. You are just about ready to rise to the full potential of your sexual prowess, but never forget the golden rule: wham, bam, thank you ma’am.