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In the face of nuclear annihilation, complaints arise over 'Boil Water Advisory'


Tulane University


- satire

In the face of nuclear annihilation, complaints arise over 'Boil Water Advisory'

I didn’t come to the #1 party school in America to be thirsty

Jack Rossi


September of 2017 has proven especially tumultuous in terms of international relations as the North Korean Missile Crisis continues to escalate. Throughout the course of the month, infamous “Rocket Man” Kim Jong Un has launched test missiles over Japanese territory on two separate occasions, successfully triggering public alert systems and instilling a growing fear into the hearts and minds of the global population. Ongoing efforts by the United Nations Security Council to impose sanctions on the rogue state of North Korea have proven fruitless, as Kim Jong Un’s temper continues to dwarf him in size.
The United States has been working in conjunction with the South Korean Navy to conduct large scale military exercises in the South China Sea, hoping that their proverbial flexing would knock the large chip off Kim Jong Un’s petite shoulder. However, Kim Jong Un firmly believes that he has even better words than President Trump, and now each side is threatening each other with complete and utter destruction. In centers of academia, the world’s greatest minds struggle desperately to develop plans which could dial back the hands on the Doomsday Clock. Meanwhile, Tulane students are worked into a panic that they must boil their drinking water for twenty-four hours.

An imminent threat to western civilization as a whole was not enough to quell the rage the Tulane student body felt when the campus RAVE system announced that a slight drop in public water pressure had occurred. Within minutes, cries of anguish erupted from Broadway Street as hoards of Long Islanders and West Coast natives realized that they would have to consume the complementary water bottles provided by Bruff rather than stick their mouths under their bathroom faucets. As global headlines swarmed with news of an imminent nuclear catastrophe of the likes of which the world has never seen, the Tulane campus was abuzz with talk of fictional brain-eating amoeba and “butt parasites.”

“What could possibly be worse than having to boil your water before you can brush your teeth?” asked freshman P. Rivilaged as he nonchalantly took a swig from a half empty Mad Dog 20/20 he found on the Newcomb Quad. “First the Jefferson Avenue road work delayed my Postmates from Dat Dog, now I need to watch out for parasites trying to crawl up my butt when I hit the showers. I knew New Orleans was fucked up but I didn’t realize it was this bad.”

“Honestly,” quipped disheveled junior T.J. Snakes, “I haven’t drank anything but Schlitz and Manischewitz since second semester of Freshman year, and at this point I’m sort of dependent on it. This water advisory probably isn’t going to affect me at all.” When asked about the current state of international relations with North Korea, Snakes shook his head and retorted “I don’t care, I’m a STEM major. Find a poli-sci major or something.” After attempting to do so, it was revealed that the majority of Tulane’s Political Science majors were busy getting black-out drunk in order to forget their fears of an impending thermonuclear demise.

Due to public outcry, an informational seminar on the North Korean Missile Crisis was cancelled in favor of a demonstration on how to properly boil water. A time-conflict with Wednesday night Happy Hour at the Boot rendered minimal attendance, but many students used the opportunity to take as many complimentary Poland Springs water bottles as possible and hastily exit the lecture.