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Tulane imposes campus-wide prohibition



Tulane University


- satire

Tulane imposes campus-wide prohibition

We’re in 2017 but it feels like 1920


Picture it now: it’s the night of another legendary fraternity throwdown: “Saints and Sinners.” All the freshmen are in the dorms, tearing their rooms apart, looking through closets and storage bins to find their hidden bottles of alcohol and devious flapper outfits.

The legend has become a reality; Ike Mitts imposed the prohibition last week to ensure that Tulane students stop consuming alcohol. The Boot Store is shut down, the Boot and Palms are closed, and foreboding warning signs have been erected at every corner of the Tulane campus.

Westchester girl and her squad of brunettes frantically run in and out of each other’s rooms, scouring the halls for one last sip of the almost-empty Watermelon Svedka bottle they know is still lurking somewhere in the kitchen trashcan. Close, but no cigar.

Because of the campus-wide crackdown, parties have become invite only, using invisible black light ink stamps as means of entrance. Walking tunnels through Tulane’s sewage system have been created to alleviate the fear of walking around campus when under the influence.

“This one kid on my floor started brewing moonshine in the dorm bathtub. It was savage,” said a freshman, furthering the notion that there is no such thing as “too far” when it comes to getting turnt.

But the use of legal force to quell copious amounts of alcohol-related incidents seems to be backfiring. Each opportunity to drink has become an underground extravaganza, with students venturing off campus to find places to get wasted and yack without getting caught by the authorities.

Following in the footsteps of their people, many “Jewlane” students are taking their alcohol allotment for one day and making it last a whole eight. Other Tulanians have become frantic and desperate, pushing their way into fraternity satellite house basements just to get a sip of some vat from inside a trashcan.

“What will we do without some Natty Ice to wash down our chicken fingers and Cane’s sauce before the speakeasy throwdown?!” Tulane sophomore Alotta Yack exclaimed.

Although Yack’s concerns may seem easy to fix, her comments resonate with Tulane students of all years. Tulanians are not only being forced off campus to get schwasted, but also they are no longer receiving endorsements from the school’s administration to “work hard and play harder.”

In an effort to keep illegal activities quiet, students have gone to extreme lengths to hide their trails, leaving empty bottles around The Palms to throw off the cops. Socially acceptable drinking behavior has officially been thrown out the window and replaced by a drunken slew of mistakes that...guess what...can’t be tamed by the po-po.

With no end in sight to an unsightly era of desperation, fury and prohibition, the forecast for Tulane calls for another year of widespread debauchery. Buckle up and get ready for a cat with a secret code tied to its tail to corner you by the alley next to Richardson.