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7 reasons why we should be grateful for frat bros

greek life

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Tulane University

campus

- satire

7 reasons why we should be grateful for frat bros

The truth is out

Lindsey Schultz

12.13.17

Frat boys, the underdogs of society, are often needlessly oppressed for simple, everyday mistakes. The charitable aspects of these fraternities are often overlooked due to the onslaught of rape and manslaughter charges, which is just simply unfair. C’mon people, we’re all human! Here are seven reasons why you should make sure to share a little love and appreciation for society’s often unsung heroes.

They are champions of feminism.
All of their lives, women are often put last. Men make up the majority of the professional workforce in most top-tier jobs, and it is increasingly more difficult for women to achieve the same success. Due to these staggering statistics, frat boys have decided to step in and make a difference. Their door policy is always women first to reverse this pattern and make sure that women get the respect they deserve. Take that, patriarchy!

They create jobs.
If frat boys did not dedicate themselves to refusing to clean up after their enormous parties and leave beer cans scattered absolutely everywhere, janitors would be bored out of their mind. Whether it’s on the quad or outside a frat house, janitors are absolutely delighted that a mess seems to follow these boys wherever they go. Along with janitors, frat boys also give expensive lawyers a steady income. These lawyers are grateful to know they can always rely on the latest sexual assault charge to get back to work and make sure these brother’s records remain squeaky clean.

Their sheer strength.
Many people overlook the immense strength and concentration it takes to flex at all possible hours of the day. Unless you have also tried flexing throughout an entire 3 hour lecture, you absolutely cannot understand the pain these brothers go through. It ain’t easy being swole.

They help enforce safety.
Since the emergence of frat boy culture, participation in self defense classes has drastically risen. This is no coincidence, and is just one more statistic that contributes to how frat boys are making the world a safer place. Just think about it: if Chad from Sigma Chi had never tried to grab your ass without consent that many times, you may have never had the urge to learn these life saving skills.

They contribute heavily to the US economy.
Without fraternities, there would be almost no one buying copious amounts of name brand polos and pastel shorts. Not only do these style staples of frat boys make every woman drool, they also contribute a fortune to our economy every year. In fact, some scholars predict it is the sole reason we have managed to escape a depression.

They help the less fortunate.
It’s no secret that our society is needlessly biased against those under the age of 21. These poor souls under the drinking age often cannot obtain alcohol or gain entrance to clubs or bars, which is a human rights issue that our fellow brothers take extremely seriously. Subsequently, they have dedicated themselves to ensuring that everyone, regardless of age, can have access to a vat of potentially dangerous alcohol.

They have increased our vernacular.
Word such as “dude”, “bro” and “savage” might be completely extinct from our vocabulary if frats did not exist. The way these boys are so skilled at shortening words and phrases to accommodate their tiny brains is truly incredible.

I think it is pretty clear by now just how much these brothers have bettered our society as a whole. The next time you see a frat boy in a hallway, make sure to stop and thank him for all of his service. They have been unappreciated for far too long.