search

for

something

Swipe left to keep

Kept articles are stored in your profile for you to read later.

Got it!

Tulane administration redoubles efforts to cut down every tree on campus: Announces commitment to maximize atmospheric Juul vapor levels

safety

0
0
533
1

Tulane University

campus

- satire

Tulane administration redoubles efforts to cut down every tree on campus: Announces commitment to maximize atmospheric Juul vapor levels

We saw Fitts with a Juul

Paul Sand

12.11.17



Administration officials recently announced a controversial new policy that will seek to raise the level of Juul vapor in the atmosphere to at least 75% by removing oxygen sources like trees and plants. The plan comes as part of a major initiative by the administration to launch a successful environmental program after recent efforts were plagued by setbacks.

Tulane Unplugged, an annual campaign to lower energy use in dorms, was abandoned after energy use increased 28% during the first 2 weeks of the initiative.

Similarly, Tulane Stop Littering Beer Cans on the Quads is widely considered a failure. Event organizers at first thought the effort, which began on a Monday morning, was successful. However, by 11:53 on Wednesday night there were an estimated 550 empty or near empty beer cans on quads across campus, with that number only expected to rise as the weekend approaches.

This new effort is supposed to buck the trend of failed environmental campaigns, and the administration is confident that it finally has a plan it can implement successfully. Removal of trees is underway and students say they have already noticed a change in the air they breathe. “It’s like this thick cloud of mango or mint hits you in the face every time you go outside,” said Janet Marcus, a junior majoring in environmental science. “I can barely see 10 feet in front of me cause of all the vapor in the air.”

Not all students were as impressed as Janet. A small group of students gathered around the stump of a recently chopped down tree and helped put up signs protesting the new plan. Senior Albert Jore, the leader of Tulane’s most active anti-Juul organization, held a sign reading: Trees are cool, unlike Juul. #stopvaping.

Vaping is fucking lame,” said Jore as he puffed on a half-smoked Marlboro Light. “Nobody wants to breathe that stuff in while they’re walking to class. That shit causes cancer.”