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Group of seniors shocked to learn they are not the hegemons of Tulane party scene



Tulane University


- satire

Group of seniors shocked to learn they are not the hegemons of Tulane party scene

The big fish get fried


Ahhh Friday night, a time usually reserved for revelry and bacchanalian behavior. But for one group of three Tulane seniors, last Friday was nothing like this.

The night started as any Friday night should: skirting around homework that was due Monday, scoping out plans for the night, and of course copious amounts of beer pong. But to their horror, this band of seniors would soon find that it was almost midnight, and they had nothing to do.

The group--consisting of Jordan, James, and Hiatt (names have been changed due to requests for anonymity)--gathered at James’ house for some drinks and friendly banter around 9:03 pm central time.
While the group had gathered under the pretext of going out, an anonymous source tells us they had yet to cement any plans for the night assuming “someone was going to hit them up” because they were seniors.

But by 10:30 pm, no one had “hit them up” and minor panic started to set in among the group. Phone records show an increasing amount of “yo wyd” and “whats ur plan tn?” texts which were shot out to their distant acquaintances over the next half hour.

“Around 11 I got this text from a friend saying they’d heard of some party down on St. Charles,” said Jordan.

"We didn’t know anybody who was there really, it was just a word of mouth thing,” said Hiatt, “but we figured if we just showed up, we’d get in no problem. I mean come on, we’re seniors after all, cream of the crop baby.” Hiatt could not have been more wrong.

The group reportedly arrived to the address they were given around 11:30 pm only to be met by a shocking discovery. “Dude, isn’t this President Fitts’ house?” asked Hiatt “No way….”

Unfortunately for this group, what they had stumbled upon was not your ordinary Tulane house party, but a fundraising gala hosted by President Fitts himself. Even worse, the gala was an invite only event made up of the who’s-who of New Orleans social circles. Tickets for the event were being sold for upwards of $10,000 a piece and the guest list went through an extensive vetting process.

Not knowing what awaited them, the three hopped over the front gate and walked towards the front of the house where a small security detail stood on the front steps. With the brazen confidence of seniority, the group ascended the steps, only to be met by a grim-faced security guard who said, “What are you all doing here?”

“Dude what’re you talking about?” asked Jordan.

“Who do you know here? This is a private event, invite only, you all can’t be here,” responded one of the guards. “Are you all students?! This is the Tulane president’s private fundraising gala, students can’t just show up.”

“You’re joking right? Can’t you tell? We’re seniors. It’s cool, we can come in,” Jordan replied.

“What? You need us to name three brothers we know?” exclaimed Hiatt.

“How did you even get this far onto the property? This is literally one of the most exclusive events of the year. We’re going to call the police if you don’t leave now,” shouted the guard.

“Dude you can’t reject us, there’s literally no party we can’t get into!” said James.

“What a friggin narc!” exclaimed Hiatt.

The group proceeded to walk away from their rebuke with a string of insults about how the party-throwers were not “cool” and could never party like they do.

Alas, time will only tell if having the wool pulled from their eyes will cause irreversible harm for these three seniors, but for now all we know is that they surely have a serious case of battered egos.