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Tulane junior tired of having valuable life experiences in college; drops out to travel the world building his résumé

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Tulane University

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- satire

Tulane junior tired of having valuable life experiences in college; drops out to travel the world building his résumé

On a new type of journey

Paul Sand

10.25.17


Junior Harvey Roberts announced to his family last night that after nearly a week of exhaustive soul-searching, he has decided to leave Tulane. Declaring that he is sick of creating memories and experiencing the many beauties of life, Roberts plans to pack up all his necessary belongings in a backpack, throw away anything he doesn’t need, and begin searching for the résumé builders that have always filled his dreams.

“Why spend all of this time and effort and money meeting interesting people, learning about the things that interest me and volunteering in my community when I could be setting myself up for an impressive entry-level position in a corporate environment?” pondered Roberts. “Why have fun with my friends when I could be networking in Amsterdam? Or getting an internship in India? Or even becoming proficient in Microsoft Excel while sailing down the Nile River?”
Despite Roberts’ undeniably rock-solid logic, not everyone was immediately convinced that he made the correct decision. Some of his friends were upset that he would abandon their upcoming plans to rent a fishing boat and spend the weekend in the abandoned shack on the Mississippi that they spent all of last semester cleaning, rebuilding and decorating.

Roberts was apologetic, but still claimed that he had no regrets because he knew that he was following his heart and doing what he needed to do to increase his overall long-term job prospects.
With plenty of formative memories already stored away gathering dust, Roberts is ready to hit the ground running when he enters the real world.

Leaving the comfort and familiarity of Tulane for the uncertainty of the outside world sounds daunting, but Roberts has a plan. First, he is going to spend two months backpacking across Europe, interviewing at brokerage firms. Next, he plans to go to Hong Kong to intern with his dad’s college roommate, who holds an executive position at HSBC. With trifling childhood fancies like meeting different types of people, experiencing new things, or falling in love all in his rearview mirror, Roberts can fully dedicate himself to his résumé.
“When I leave Tulane, I know it will mean no more sunsets over the water, no more walking my dog through a park full of happy children,” said Roberts. “But I’m confident with my decision.”

For him, dropping out is the only way to feel confident that he truly lived his life without regrets. Still, something is nagging him in the back of his mind. “If there is one thing my résumé will miss,” mused Roberts, “it’s the diploma. That would look pretty nice. But I can just buy one of those online.”