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Tulane faculty member, Ike Mitts, combats low self esteem on sugar daddy dating app one free latte at a time

health lifestyle


Tulane University


- satire

Tulane faculty member, Ike Mitts, combats low self esteem on sugar daddy dating app one free latte at a time

Understanding the linguistic connection between “patriarch” and “patronize”

Kiera Torpie


With tuition on the rise, college women are increasingly taking advantage of sugar daddy dating apps to earn some extra dough. Most popular is Seeking Arrangements, offering a platform upon which sugar babies and sugar daddies can come up with an arrangement that involves companionship in exchange for an agreed upon allowance. However, local hero and Tulane faculty member @ikemitts has taken a different approach. In an effort to steer babies in the right direction, he invites them to coffee shops under the precedent that he will pay for their time. Instead, he takes on the much needed role of father, convincing girls to delete the app and make money in more respectable ways, “like childcare,” for example.

In an effort to better understand his generous impact, I interviewed a few girls who had the privilege of meeting him: @funwithkimmy, @lookingforsugar, and @noturbaby.
Interestingly, @ikemitts starts each conversation with the same opener:

@ikemitts: Good afternoon sweetheart,

Would you enjoy a special friendship with a nice older Alpha male who would be like a daddy for you?

@funwithkimmy explains that she initially downloaded the app to “help pay for textbooks,” as the Louisiana $7.25 minimum wage “just wasn’t cutting it.” However, upon sitting down with @ikemitts, she realized she was really looking for a father. “I mean, I do have a dad. And we are extremely close. But @ikemitts pointed out that I’m not just broke! I’m also broken! AND dumb! So, so, so, so dumb,” the Newcomb Scholar then laughed heartily without blinking for 47 seconds.

@ikemitts also managed to clarify @lookingforsugar’s underlying deprivation. Similarly, it isn’t financial.

“When I got there he ordered me a non-fat skinny mocha with no whip. I told him that I was lactose intolerant, but he explained that it’s impolite to not accept gifts. That was when it occurred to me: growing up without a sugar daddy has not only detrimentally impacted my manners, but probably just about everything else!” said Vice Chair of the Newcomb-Tulane Ballet Dance Company.

All three sugarbaby accounts verify that the dates end with @ikemitts explaining that while they are superior to the other women on the site, they are also too naive and unsophisticated to realize it. He then insists that they delete the app and take his number, acknowledging how lucky they are to have ended up with him and not some creep.

Three weeks following the date, @noturbaby has gotten a chance to reflect.

“While I still haven’t gained the self-confidence necessary to delete the app entirely, I can’t thank @ikemitts enough. He showed me that I am not autonomous and I don’t need money for textbooks and I do need male guidance in my everyday life and decision making. I can only hope to someday achieve his level of altruism,” said the Peace Corps hopeful and cofounder of the Tulane Project To End Homelessness.

In a turn of events, all three of the babies received a series of messages from @ikemitts in the weeks following the encounter.

@ikemitts: Good morning,
It was a pleasure meeting you yesterday. You are certainly a cut above the others on this site.
I probably shouldn’t have given you unwanted advice. But please take it in the spirit it was given. Some young women just bring out my paternal instincts. If I were your dad and I found you on this site, we certainly would have a good talk about it…. ;)

That being said, I have had relationships with young ladies who needed male authority in their lives. If this appeals to you, write back.

The messages become increasingly forward, some using words like “please” and “I need you.”

After days of tracking him down, I finally got in touch with @ikemitts for a statement. When I asked what he does when he’s not donating his time to female empowerment, he started crying.

Finally, I think I heard him whisper “golf” and “masturbate.”